Bruce: search for a safe haven leads to Orkney

Why has Pete Sixsmith abandoned non-league football, the paqes of Salut! Sunderland, his cat Samson and – just days ahead of Bolton away – the intensive psychological training considered essential for those planning to attend SAFC games?

What are we to read between the lines of a mysterious text message sent from what was meant to be a secret location detached from the British mainland?

Salut! Sunderland can reveal that Sixer is on a mission.

Forget world conflicts, the euro crisis, Liam Fox and the trial of Michael Jackson’s doctor. You’ve had the Arab Spring. This is the Mackem Autumn. After years of loyal if at times critical support, Sixer has travelled undercover (under cover, that is, of thermal underwear, several layers of clothing and waterproofs) to Orkney.

His task: to find a safe haven for Steve Bruce whose exile from the Stadium of Light is reported by mischief-makers to be imminent.

Orkney consists of 70 islands. Even so, it has not been easy finding somewhere suitable.

Not everyone wants a deposed dictator around. Will enemies pursue him to the islanders’ peaceable community? Will he spend his time there scheming a comeback? What about the need for impenetrable vaults to accommodate the Payoff, a traditional reward for underachievement in English football.

Can Orkney pass these tests. And will Bruce he contented enough, far from home(s), to pose no threat or nuisance? Do television signals for Newcastle United games reach Orkney?

When last seen, Sixer was heading northwards from the “frenzy of North-eastern football” and had under his arm a copy of Great Expectations.

He has already checked library shelves for any sign of Bruce’s three novels, Striker, Sweeper and Defender ( a fourth, No Striker, is due out soon and speculation about a possible Scottish islands hideaway grew when literary sources said the author might choose a pseudonym derived from the origins of the Bruce clan, de Brus or de Bruis).

Sixer’s solitary subsequent SMS, thought to have been written in code, said only: “Horizontal rain in Kirkwall.”

But insiders say his researches will take him to any or all of the following small islands: Shapinsay, Gairsay, Stronsay, Wyre, Rousay, Egilsay, Eday, Sanday, Westray, Papa Westray, North Ronaldsay, Graemsay, Hoy, South Walls, Burray, Flotta and South Ronaldsay.

To throw off suspicion, he’ll resurface in time for the Reebok and offer polite applause as Bruce takes his place in the dugout. He may not be able to suppress an angry reaction at 10 to 5 but this, too, is seen as part of an elaborate plot to act normally.

Only time will tell what will happen after that.

Hamish Blair

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7 thoughts on “Bruce: search for a safe haven leads to Orkney”

  1. Well said Tom. He’s out of his depth completely. Game over Brucie. Shut the door on the way out but make sure that his hits your trousers first.

  2. Pete, man, its Outer Mongolia for the man who looks down his nose at Sunderland supporters, who lives among his own in Ponteland and regularly socialises with Newcastle players as he allegedly did after his recent trip to St Hotch Potch Park. My very slight expectation is that this tactical imbecile is gone soon. *Even the players are having digs at their inept manager. Wes Brown said today “I come from a culture where an away game is a chance to get three points, not to try and hang on and scratch out a draw [if that]”. Craig Gardener latterly complained that the man who has started two games without a recognised striker on the pitch does not play him in the advanced midfield role that saw him grab a creditable 10 goals for relegated Brum last season. Ellis, put him out of his defensive minded, SAFC-fan baiting misery asap. Thanks.

  3. Bill: He should have gone last season. It’s gone on so long that I can scarcely believe that there’s even a debate to be had, about him. The defenders of the indefensible must be suffering fatigue now in the increasingly losing battle. There isn’t a single good thing that has come out of his reign. He’s very good at spotting midfielders with no pace whatsoever if that counts.

  4. Bruce has got to go NOW,we the fans are sick of his lame excuses this season. The players at the club are all his signings but he still does not know his best starting 11. ONE THING IS CERTAIN YOU HAVE TO SCORE GOALS TO WIN MATCHES. When is he going to to arrest this problem ? He rabbits on how good our korean centre forward has played for his country and yet he hasn,t given him a start in the team.Age doesn,t matter if he,s good enough . Come on bruce your time is running out fast no more excuses.

  5. Lets hope Steve isnt taking inspiration from his possible ancestor Robert, who if I remember, was taught to never give up and keep on trying, in an encounter with a spider in a cave. I would rather he took inspiration from another Bruce, whose ‘Born to Run’, although not totally apt in this case, at least hints at the direction in which Steve should be going.

  6. It is not often that I feel able to offer sound advice to Mr. Sixsmith.

    However, on this occasion,I think that his search will prove to be in vain, if he is working on the assuption that the origins of the Bruce clan lie in either de Brus or de Bruis.

    Our own, particular Bruce’s roots can be, very obviously, found in Brucellosis and so it would be far more benefitial for him to invest in a new pair of wellington boots, protective overalls and a very large can of Jeyes Fluid!

  7. Orkney is too close for SB, Rockall was still available last time I looked although he will get plenty of opposition from the local Gull population, afterall there’s only so much s*?t one small island can hold.

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