SAFC v Newcastle United: ‘the planet’s least successful club’

Right, there’s a great Newcastle United “Who Are You?’ on its way and we may even devote a piece to Joey Barton, whose hopes of reinventing himself as a philosophical and well-read reformed thug have suffered recent setbacks. For now, Pete Sixsmith dips into a work of contemporary literature Joey, too busy exploring Song of the Day at Salut! Live, may not yet have reached …

Due to the appalling weather we have had this “summer”, my reading output has increased considerably.

Unlike Joey Barton, I have resisted the temptations of Nietzsche and Orwell and stuck to more humble fare, one of which is an excellent tome by Matthew Norman called You Cannot Be Serious.

The second title is The 101 Most Infuriating Things In Sport and Norman looks at er, 101 things in sport that really annoy him, ranging from Tim Henman’s parents , the Offside Rule in Rugby Union and Alan Green.

No doubt had he been writing it now, Peter Allis (“the Socrates of snug bar philosophy”) would have been relegated from the No 1 spot by the burglar-foiling, Gervinho-pulling Twitter merchant known as Joey B.

However, he does have a couple of entries that pleased this particular Sunderland fan. At No 22 is everybody’s favourite fence creosoter, Alan Shearer, who, despite attempts to ingratiate himself with Sunderland supporters, is still the devil incarnate for many.

Norman is not impressed with his punditry on MOTD, describing him thus: “As a pundit he is, of course, abysmal. No one outside the Sleepeasy Care Home For Retired Sporting Dimwits more formally known as BBC Sport, and his loyal army of self pitiers on Tyneside, could deny that.” Mmmm, tasty …

Nor was he impressed by his prowess as a manager. When the latest Tyneside Messiah was sent for, he failed to save them from relegation.

I quote: “They needed only to win a few home games in front of the self-proclaimed ‘most passionate fans in the world’. The late Barbara Cartland would have kept them up. So would Lamb Chop, Shari Lewis’s ovine glove puppet sidekick. Even David Pleat might have done it.”

Thumb back four chapters from Shearer, chuckling at his hatchet jobs on Ken Bates, John Inverdale and Steve McClaren (imagine being stuck in a lift with those three!!) and we come to No 26: The Bare-Chested Gargantuan Newcastle Fan.

Describing these not rare enough creatures as “having breasts that could suckle both New Zealand islands”, he cuts to the chase and sums up what many millions all over the world feel about these pitiful attention seekers.

“By any formula comparing fan base and revenue to silverware, Newcastle United is historically the planet’s least successful football club. Apart from headline-grabbing comic mismanagement of the sort so expertly provided by owner Mike Ashley, fake eccentricity is the only means of retaining any interest from a media and public that would otherwise have tired long ago of the club’s grandiose claims to relevance.”

Never have truer words been spoken and it is to be sincerely hoped that the sizeable minority who make up this element of our neighbours’ support are grizzling all the way back to Tyneside so that they can feast on “Nicholas Soames in a Cyril Smith-James Corden sandwich and still have room left over for a King Of Tonga sundae”.

Priceless stuff and if you enjoyed those, his pieces on Willie Carson (“ceaseless cackling at a pitch to shatter glass and possibly tungsten”), John Terry (“the Jordan of association football) and The Centre Court Crowd (“the planet’s largest flower arranging tutorial”) are guaranteed to make you chuckle if not laugh out loud.

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53 thoughts on “SAFC v Newcastle United: ‘the planet’s least successful club’”

  1. Came here to see how the world’s biggest bottlers reacted to Pete’s nice bit of troll work.

    Leaving happy.

  2. Having read the article, then the mag replies, it’s like hiding a blind man’s stick.

    Cruel and I shouldn’t laugh, but …

  3. Brilliant mags once again. This such a rubbish website that they’ve read it in their hundreds, then criticised a book review.
    Jesus wept

  4. The biggest surprise for me was the fact that so many Toon fans can read , although from their replies , they are only starting to learn to write

  5. It’s not irony Jeremy we only respond to this site as it comes up on News Now as related to Newcastle United as the heading of the article has Newcastle United in it.Which emphasises the point about Sunderland’s obsession with all things the Toon!

    • It was, as Pete has pointed out, a piece quoting someone else’s words. Many of the Newcastle supporters who responded were too busy shooting the messenger to realise this. Amid the collective sense of humour breakdown, and ritualistic name-calling, that followed (and you should see some of the comments I disallowed), there was also plenty of robust but acceptable banter. But as for obsession, there is of course no obligation on people to follow a Sunderland site link even if it mentions Newcastle in the headline (which is hardly a surprise if the item concerns Newcastle, too). This is not a closed site; supporters of all clubs are welcome, and they are also welcome to give as good as they get.

  6. Matthew Norman is an award winning journalist who now writes for The Daily Telegraph. He has worked, very successfully, for The Guardian and The London Evening Standard. The words about Newcastle United and Alan Shearer are his, not mine.
    At no time have I suggested that Sunderland are a more successful club than Newcastle United; in fact, I haven’t mentioned Sunderland at all.
    If I were on their side, I would be asking why he hasn’t written anything about Sunderland. But I’m not.
    It’s a most enjoyable read, believe me. Maybe Joey could dip into it.

  7. Just going to post the same. Brilliant wind-up!

    Never seen so many gaping mouths on hooks, flopping about, in a long time.


  8. I crease up every time I read Bruce is a Geordie. Why would that matter, you employ whatever servants you can afford or who you consider will help you achieve a given aim

    If he achieves our targets which thus far, by fluke or flair means he has done just that, with us finishing above you for three seasons and gradually he has been improving the team and moving us up the table so we are relatively happy.

    Frankly victory in the Derby is only the icing on the cake and last year your cake although a tad soggy, thanks to your continued relationship with Fat Sam, had a highly creditable victory but the really exciting icing sugar was the sale of your wannabe gangsta for an incredible £35 million. Fat Sam will rip off anyone, not just your club.

    Even the most rabidly faithful of the unwashed could not have been in the least surprised when he did not plough it all back into the club.

    Like all of us I want to see a cracking match with us as victors but regardless of the result of home and away matches between us most of all I want to see us moving into the top eight. Had we nt lost so many first team players last season to injuries I think we might well have achieved that.

    If after this buying spree Bruce fails to succeed his neck will in my opinion be firmly on the block.

  9. Lots and lots of fans for such a poor show of trophies. Just goes to show how loyal toon fans can be. To be fair to the mackems if you look at how much they have spent over the last 5 years compared to Newcastle, they SHOULD be finishing above us by more than a couple of points here or a point there. We are supposed to be light years behind the mackems, as we were last year………… or was it just a point.

  10. We are obsessed with NUFC according to many of their posters on OUR site.

    Irony has never been their strong point either.

    The greatest thing about having the Mags is that they never realise when they are providing the greatest amusement to us. Long may it continue.

  11. Now can yous all get off our site and back to your own and concern yourselves with something much more important ie what Alan Partridge and the lump of Cockney Chlorestorol are doing to your supposed World Famous club.
    Newcassell 0 The Lads 2 (Gates, Gabbiadini).

  12. Wow you have achieved your aim a big Salute to you!!! A few irate mags always makes my evening more enjoyable now for some father beans and a fine Chianti

  13. if it was your record yous lot would be ramming it down everyone’s throats here there and everywhere just like the rest of your so called “statistics”.
    Newcassell 0 Sunderland 4 – “What a superb hat trick by young Gary Rowell!”.

  14. “I cannot conceive how you deluded Greggpies can maintain that you are a bigger club when our 69 consecutive top flight seasons ( a record only Arsenal have beaten) blows your puny 35 seasons well out of the water – just about half.”

    You can’t conceive much apart from being runners up in a record that no-one either knows nor cares about. Says it all really.

  15. @Phil Johnson… ‘BUT, they all die in the end!!’ Is a bit extreme don’t u think… And the reference to cockroaches is poor, they’re very hard to get rid of and killing one usually means u end up with more! I’d like to see how a Makem would react to such a cheap shot at their club… You seem to confuse defence and pride with more primal, caveman-like emotions… Hardly surprising given your surroundings.

  16. The huge lump of blubber ( number 26 by your reckoning) truely must be a massive embarrasment to all at NUFC.

    Im just glad that he is a mackem.

    With your huge football Knowledge, you will, no doubt know that he was for years a member of the SAFC Jarrow Supporters branch before he attached himself, leech-like, to a much bigger team

  17. I cannot conceive how you deluded Greggpies can maintain that you are a bigger club when our 69 consecutive top flight seasons ( a record only Arsenal have beaten) blows your puny 35 seasons well out of the water – just about half. Oh just remembered yous werent created until 1991 by the Curley Headed Antichrist. Funny though we are the ones who are supposed to be obsessed but all you lot do is trawl our sites and boards looking for the slightest reason to spit pie crumbs down your mankey tops.

  18. Who are the North East Top Dogs
    Newcastle United In Europe – Overall Record
    Competition APP PLD W D L GS GA
    Champions League 2 24 11 3 10 33 33
    Cup Winners Cup 1 2 1 0 1 2 2
    UEFA/Fairs Cup 8 70 51 14 15 133 64
    Other European Matches 2 10 6 2 2 22 11
    Total 13 106 59 19 28 188 111

    Biggest European home win: 5-0 Vs NAC Breda (2003)
    Biggest European away win: 5-0 Vs Royal Antwerp (1994)
    Biggest European aggregate win: 10-2 Vs Royal Antwerp (1994)
    Biggest European home loss: 4-1 Vs Inter Milan (2004)
    Biggest European away loss: 4-1 Vs Sporting Lisbon (2005)
    Biggest European aggregate loss: 4-0 Vs Monaco (1997)
    European clean sheets: 48 (all competitions)
    Longest unbeaten run in Europe: 12 (UEFA Cup 2004-05)
    Longest run without a win in Europe: 3 (all competitions/various years)
    Biggest European home attendance: 59,309 Vs Anderlecht (Fairs Cup 1970)

    Sunderland In Europe – Overall Record

    (NOTE) Since Keane brought Sunderland up to the Premiership (4 years) they have scored a total of 163 goals. You will note Newcastle have 188 European goals

    Competition APP PLD W D L GS GA
    Champions League 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
    Cup Winners Cup 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
    UEFA/Fairs Cup 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
    Other European Matches 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
    Total 0 0 0 0 0 0 0

  19. Lyle says:
    August 16, 2011 at 4:39 pm

    “What is this Sunderland complete obsession of all things Newcastle United,Shearer,and just the Toon in general?”

    It’s Derby week – what do you expect?

    Articles & posts about philosophy & Twitter?


  20. What is this Sunderland complete obsession of all things Newcastle United,Shearer,and just the Toon in general, maybe psychiatric therapy may help? Or is it methinks this paticular comment an aside because it’s the derby this weekend and the old wormy bot is starting to putter?

  21. Newcastle United Football Club (also known as The Magpies or The Toon, and often abbreviated to NUFC) is an English professional association football club based in Newcastle upon Tyne, Tyne and Wear. The club was founded in 1892 by the merger of Newcastle East End and Newcastle West End, and has played at its current home ground, St James’ Park, since the merger. The ground was developed into an all-seater stadium in the mid-1990s and now has a capacity 52,387. The club has been a member of the Premier League for all but two years of the competition’s history, and never dropped below the English football’s second tier, since joining the Football League in 1893. In 2007, long term chairman and owner Freddy Shepherd sold his share in the club to Mike Ashley.

    They have won four First Division titles and six FA Cups, as well as the 1969 Inter-Cities Fairs Cup and the 2006 UEFA Intertoto Cup. Newcastle United has the eighth highest total of major honours won by an English club.[2] The club’s most successful period was between 1904 and 1910, when they won an FA Cup and three of their First Division titles.
    THATS OF THE WIKIPEDIA WEBSITE SO *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

  22. @ Jamesy

    Sunderland fans are hardly in a position to belittle the Fairs Cup. How many games have you played in Europe?

    And, “titles have and always will be held in higher regard than cup’s.”

    If you want to go down the opinion route, then I’ll claim that trophies won after WWII are held in higher regard than those preceding 1945. That would mean that NUFC have 4 trophies to your 1.

  23. @ Jamesy – “I find it funny how they’re also trying to support their argument with facts.”

    Not sure how you try to settle debates in Sunderland but supporting an argument with facts is common place everywhere else.

  24. Mr Sixsmith has clearly touched a raw nerve.

    All without mentioning their problems with illiteracy and “boycoutt.” That one normally sends their blood pressure north.

    I’ll say that again for good measure. “Boycoutt.” That is how THEY spell it; isn’t it?

  25. Mike says:
    August 16, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    “What a load of complete drivel….Sunderland Fans are an embarassment as they spend more time worrying about Newcastles acheivements…….So your one Fa Cup trophy, couple title wins back when Queen Victoria was on the throne and lower attendances makes you more successfull does it”

    Correction in order!

    NUFC title wins 4, SAFC title wins 6.

    NUFC FA Cup wins 6, SAFC FA Cup wins 2.

    NUFC record home defeat?

    9 – 1 against?

    Guess who!

    Read more:
    Join for Real Fans & Real News

  26. Great article, it sums Newcastle up perfectly. I’m enjoying reading their bites as well. Isn’t Newcastle-mad still publishing an article a day dedicated to Sunderland? And they say we are sad and obsessed.

    I find it funny how they’re also trying to support their argument with facts. However they fail to include the following:

    Sunderland have 6 league titles to their 4, titles have and always will be held in higher regard than cup’s. They’ve also failed to acknowledge that Sunderland hold the highest recorded home attendance. It’s easy to forget that whilst we were battling away in the lowly 1st division (at the time) they were qualifying for the Champions League spending millions of pounds on top players. Had the tables been turned do they seriously think they’d be attracting as many fans as they do? It’s quite amazing how quickly we’ve bridged the gam and for the past three seasons surpassed them. Funny really. No wonder they’re so vexed.

    The fair’s cup? Pleeeeaaase! They qualified by invitation alone.

  27. 5 – 1 You fools! Your manager is a Geordie and your team is spending a lot..but your in the same boat as us with no-one to score your goals. SAFC are nowhere near as big as NUFC and never will be, tsk!

  28. I for one love the banter between the two clubs once its kept about football and doesnt degenerate into ill thought out abuse.

    I write myself and will debate as objectively as possible with mackems and fellow toons until the cows come home.

    I always enjoy reading opinions from both sides as the rivalry is one of the most heated and interesting in English football if not football in general.

    But in terms of this article, I think it is one of the only times I have thought upon reading, do you know what, I wouldnt even lower myself to debate such drivel.

    Sunderland have some really good writers for the club through various mediums but honestly that has to be one of the worst articles I have ever read. Nothing worse than blind uneducated pandering to an audience.

    Really didnt even want to respond to it but really felt it had to be said. Honestly mate, you give Sunderland fans a bad name, and thats coming from a Newcastle supporter.

  29. Gordon Bennett!!

    This site has become infested with “Keegoonite Sky Boys – I will NOT liken them to genuine Newcastle supporters, who are a, totally, different breed!

    I received -30 for congratulating PS on his article!!

    Cockroaches breed extremely rapidly and are very hard to exterminate – BUT, they all die in the end!!

  30. Oh for god sake they’ve won more overall trophies than us and have been in europe lately their overall more successful then us and 1 point isn’t going to change that :L

  31. That 5-1 thrashing last seaosn must have really hurt you!!

    Heres to Sarurday where we will win this time at the Stadium of *****. Christ you should have seen yourselves thought you’d won the league when you got that equaliser last season in the 94th minute.

    6 points from 6 this time!!!!

  32. Get a grip you moron! We should have beaten you twice last season if Gyan hadnt punched the ball into the net. The toon would never and never has had a mackem as manager. Go on Brucey take them down so they can change the name of this pathetic publication to ” au revoir 5under1and!!!!!!!

  33. What a load of drivel! only a 5under1and fan would publish something this trivial to get themselves plaudits! It reeks of envy, jealousy and the indefinite echo of being bar

  34. @ 5under1and – ef me a mag who can do maths past his 20 toes and fingers! sorry i meant 24 toes and fingers!

  35. Silly makems take every oppertunity available to make themselves look like a bunch of idiots sund 0-2 newcastle barton(2).

  36. oh dear me yet another smb trying to argue that sunderland are a more successful club than newcastle
    if they and their manager spent less time worrying about us, you might actually do better

  37. More black & white envy !! typical Mackems ! what happend to the push for europe last season ? humiliated by the newly promoted geordies 5-1 , hardly the worlds greatest club !! massive underachievers !!

  38. “By any formula comparing fan base and revenue to silverware, Newcastle United is historically the planet’s least successful football club.”


    A quick basic calculation of fans per trophy won shows that Sunderland are indeed less successful per number of meaningful trophies won than NUFC.

    Newcastle = 11 trophies (6 FA Cup, 4 1st Div, 1 Fairs Cup)
    Avg attendance for 2010/2011 = 47,718.
    No. fans per trophy = 4338.

    5under1and = 8 trophies (6 1st Div, 2 FA Cups)
    Avg attendance for 2010/11 = 40,011
    No. fans per trophy = 5001.

    Silly mackems.

  39. Wow Phil Johnson must be an evil dude to get 3 thumbs down for that comment.

    Matthew Norman is deluded if you ask me. Lamb Chop – Shari Lewis’ ovine glove puppet – yes. Even “Sweep”, Matthew Corbett’s dog, could have squeeked them to safety. But David Pleat??? – he’s having a giraffe isn’t he?

  40. Silliness incarnate.
    But it’s what makems do best, I suppose.
    Like the Sandy Denny bit to the left, though. “All her glory” ? She never did any nudies to my knowledge, sadly. She could knock back the ales though, which was the cause of her too early death.
    But I mean “least successful” is a bit daft. You shouldn’t base an entire article on the ravings of a **** ******. The ****er has openly copied another Lahnden Man U fan – Michael Henderson of the Times, in his vitriolic attacks on Newcastle fans (saying much the same as Henderson but using twenty words where one would do) such as, apparently “weeping fans” at a game never happened before that Blackburn game the season we lost the league.
    Oh really ?
    The laughable thing is ********s like him almost believe their own spiteful lies. And the more stupid of you swallow it all without thinking for yourselves.
    Not so ?
    Wonder if Barton has you lot raging after saturday ?
    Hope so.

  41. What complete and utter gash. Cannot believe I took the time to read this mediocre book review masquerading as journalism. How about focusing on something relevant… Or aiming your obviously excessive hatred, frustration and envy towards your Geordie manager with an eye for spending and underachieving… Just saying…

    • I regard all of the above as acceptable banter, but draw lines.

      Where possible, I will edit responses so they are fit to appear. As above. If yours hasn’t shown, there may be a reason.

  42. What a load of complete drivel….Sunderland Fans are an embarassment as they spend more time worrying about Newcastles acheivements…….So your one Fa Cup trophy, couple title wins back when Queen Victoria was on the throne and lower attendances makes you more successfull does it….only in your little bubble.

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