Who needs the Queen?….
Pete Sixsmith looks back over the year and awards his own New Years Honours (Colin Randall explains the baby in a footnote)….
That’s Christmas over for another year. Hope you got lots of good presents and had a jolly good time in the bosom of your family – or at least in someone’s bosom.
I got some ace presents: a book I first read in 1958, a new shirt, a CD of Julian and Sandy from Round The Horne (although they sound suspiciously like Kevin Keegan and Terry McDermott taking a training session), a book about the French Resistance (Bellion and Laslandes) and the kitschiest alarm clock in the history of the world brought back from Kuwait by a friend of mine who is teaching there. It’s bright blue, in the shape of a mosque and the alarm is a (very) approximate rendition of the muezzin calling the faithful to prayer. Quite something!
On the negative side, there was a truly awful display at Everton which must have had Quinny, and whoever else is in the board room at the moment, doing impersonations of Corporal Jones; my failure to be in The Lounge Inn at Southport when Stevie G (allegedly) whacked the DJ despite being in the resort; and the repeated failure of this and previous Governments to include me in the New Year’s Honours List for services to Sunderland AFC and the persistent brutalising of schoolchildren in the Ferryhill and Chilton areas.
So, what better way to fritter away the dying embers of the Christmas holiday than coming up with my own New Year’s Honours list?
For consistent entertainment throughout the year for all at SAFC: Mr Mike Ashley
For services to the Alcohol Abuse Industry: Mr Mike Ashley
For services to the Ill Fitting Black and White Top Industry: Mr Mike Ashley
For services to the European Tattooing Industry: M Djibril Cissé
For services to the North East Marriage Guidance Industry: Mr Michael Chopra and spouse.
For services to the Disappearing Footballers Industry: Mr Rada Prica and Mr David Connolly.
For services to the Awareness of Dyslexia Campaign: the Mags who decided to boycoutt (sic) the club and told us so on their beautifully written sheet.
For services to Football in General: Anyone who puts his/her foot through the drums at Portsmouth, Wigan, Blackburn et al
For services to the Sleep Research Industry: Manchester United home fans for proving, by making so little noise at Old Trafford, that it is possible to sleep outside in sub zero temperatures.
For services to the British Beard Growing Industry: Mr Roy Keane.
For services to the British Clean Shaven Industry: Mr Roy Keane
For services to the British Told You He’d Never Hack It Industry: Mr Roy Keane
For services to the Northern Irish Bus Industry: Mr Peter Horan – a man who hates travelling by bus and was coerced into a six-hour trip from Belfast to Athlone despite having a monumental hangover and leaving his work mobile in the Belfast hotel.
For services to the Brewing Industry in the Republic of Ireland: Messrs Mick and Gerard Wood and Mr Paul Dobson, who attempted to drink the Drumcondra Road dry after the nearest thing I have ever seen to Noah’s Flood.
For services to the We Might Be Bad But It’s Better Than Scottish Football Industry: Mr John Penman.
Finally, thanks to all you loyal and deranged readers of this rubbish over the last calendar year – and remember, without the technical prowess of Ms Joan Dawson and Salut Sunderland’s answer to Conrad Black, Mr Colin Randall, this column would never appear….. so now you know who to blame.
Have a good 2009. Wembley here we come!!!
ps Editor’s special award:
To my granddaughter, Maya Barbé, for overcoming the stigma and handicap of being born to Newcastle and Liverpool supporting parents to show her true colours…..