Soapbox: maybe it’s because I’m not a Londoner

Soapbox

How do you get Boris Johnson, the Duke of Edinburgh, Tommy Trinder and camel beauty pageants into the same posting to a football website? By getting Pete Sixsmith to preview Fulham v Sunderland, that’s how

A big weekend looms. End of school term on Friday (two weeks holiday – mmmmm…..), Grand National on Saturday and a chance to claim three Premier League points in London for the first time since Stamford Bridge in 2001. But it could be a sad weekend for me as it could well be my last visit to the Great Wen until 2012.

Yes, comrade readers. I am ready to abandon future trips to the Emirates, White Hart Lane et al if the citizens of our beloved capital are pathologically stupid enough to elect Boris Johnson as Mayor.

I have watched the London Mayoral Election from my eyrie in the far North Country and find it impossible to believe that any one could possibly vote for a middle class, bouffanted, grinning clown like Boris. We in the North are not taken in by his ilk. For instance, could you imagine the electors of, say Sedgefield (a constituency which includes such congenial spots as West Cornforth, Deaf Hill and Ferryhill Station) electing someone like that as their MP? Of course not.

So, the election of the idiotic Boris – a man once described by a friend as being neither as nice or as stupid as he makes out – may well mean a self-imposed exile on future capital gains.

But not yet. Craven Cottage beckons with all the genuine pleasures that go with a visit there. The Spotted Horse in Putney High Street used to be a cracking pub in the 70s and 80s. I remember having a couple of pints in there the day that Alan Mullery scored the finest own goal in living memory. I also saw George Best turn in a wonderful performance in his later days, and the memory of Liam Lawrence’s stunner a couple of years ago is still relatively fresh in the old memory box.

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Real clubs, real fans

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As I flicked through the pages of Banter & Bustle, Jeff Scott’s fascinating pictorial study of his fellow Sunderland fans and Sunderland locations, caught on camera on various matchdays around the country, I began thinking about Real Football Clubs. And that in turn led me to reflect on Pete Sixsmith’s Soapbox remarks about West Ham being one of them.

When Gordon Thrower** contributed his excellent posting for the Who Are They? series last week, his fellow Hammers fans’ response was astonishing. They flocked here in their hundreds, boosting the average daily number of visits to such an extent that Salut! Sunderland enjoyed a few days in the top 75 of the Soccerlinks hit list for football websites.

This week, things are getting back to normal. Fulham fans, it is fair to say without being too harsh, have seen no reason to emulate their east London rivals. Steve Battams’s article was also interesting, all the more so because he’s played at a decent level himself. And his video clip showing him heading the ball back on to the field from the crowd raises a laugh. But if there has been a trickle of Cottagers coming this way, that is so far about it.

Yet Fulham, unlike their charmless neighbours and whatever view is taken of their ownership, have always seemed a proper football club. Like Sunderland. So it is a shame to have to be reminded that they are essentially a very small club indeed.

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Who are you? We’re Fulham

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Fulham represent the schizophrenic wing of English football: traditional club, nicer by a mile of the two in the same corner of west London, but tainted by the stigma of bought success. But whatever the result when we meet them on Saturday, has their luck finally run out? Despite all that Fayed money, are they bound for the Championship? Perhaps they could do with some of the defensive skills Steve Battams, a staunch Cottager if that doesn’t suggest improper activities, brought to Staines Town, Ashford Town and Carshalton Athletic during a useful (550 games) semi-pro career

Although I am a Fulham fan through and through, you could say that Sunderland played a big part in my addiction to the beautiful game.

One of the first matches I recall was watching the League Cup final of 1985 when Sunderland met Norwich at Wembley. I recall the magnificent twin towers and the thousands packed on to the terraces and was instantly hooked.

Sadly, I also recall Clive Walker dragging his penalty on to the post and a deflected goal winning the cup for the Canaries. That is where my first Sunderland-Fulham link comes in, as Clive Walker was one of the few shining lights for Fulham when he signed for us in 1987. In total he made 109 appearances for the Cottagers, scoring 29 goals – many of which came from his deadly left foot which I am sure Sunderland fans will remember well.

My next recollection of a Sunderland/Fulham match was a League Cup tie at Craven Cottage in 1989. The Gabbiadini-Gates partnership was in full flow at the time and you comfortably ran out 3-0 winners.

Possibly one of the worst goal celebrations came from Eric Gates as he attempted some form of somersault and ended up flat on his back laughing at himself.

Sadly, I do not have many other recollections of matches against the two teams. However, my brother Alan ventured north for the Premiership clash in April 2006. Our quest to set further records in failing to win away matches looked in serious danger as Brian McBride put us ahead in the ninth minute. The weather took a turn for the worse and the match was abandoned, leaving you guys subsequently to record your only home win when the match was replayed in May.

That’s typical of Fulham; we are very generous when it comes to players recording their first goals for their clubs or teams getting their only/first wins for lengthy periods of time. Hence our appalling away record which will eventually lead to relegation this season!

My last match at Craven Cottage was a home victory against Reading where I managed to get into the action by heading a high clearance back on to the pitch from my seat in the 10th row. I was quite proud of the header, but my poor girlfriend was not so impressed as I barged her out of the way to make sure I was in place for the header!

Since then, I have moved to Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates where we are fortunate enough to get every Premier League match live on a Saturday afternoon. I will definitely be watching the game this coming Saturday, probably in the local sports bar with a cold beer and prayer or two for our survival in the best league in the world.

And now for your questions (pausing only for a quick view of the aerial strength that served me well in my Ryman Premier League career) …….

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Soapbox: somewhere over the rainbow

Soapbox
Way up high/There’s a land that I heard of/Once in a lullaby……..well perhaps the something Judy Garland had in mind wasn’t 13th top for a day. The humiliation of Spurs by the Mags may have knocked us back a place, but that cannot dampen the spirits of Pete Sixsmith, who also has rare praise for a referee and the away end

As we drove away from the Stadium of Light on Saturday evening, a huge rainbow materialised, stretching over both sides of Newcastle Road.

One end of it seemed to be planted in what used to be Roker Park while the other was most definitely attached to the exact spot where Andy Reid had hit that stunning volley in the fifth minute of time added on for West Ham whingeing and generally being southern softies.

The scenes inside the Stadium were tremendous. We all knew how important that goal was and when the announcer told us that Arsenal had hit a late winner at Bolton, our joy was unconfined. The talk on the way down the stairs was that we may not be the most stylish team in the division and we may have some flaws, but there is no side, squad or club with a bigger heart.

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Joyful Arabian night

HOW THE BOTTOM HALF LOOKS THIS MORNING…….. above the Mags and third top, a lofty position that lasted until Spurs rolled over for Keegan
1 Tottenham 31 8 3 4 43 26 2 6 8 17 25 9 39
2 Middlesbrough 31 5 4 6 15 19 3 6 7 13 25 -16 34
3 Sunderland 32 8 3 5 19 16 1 3 12 10 33 -20 33
4 Reading 32 8 2 7 19 22 1 3 11 18 36 -21 32
5 Newcastle 31 6 5 5 20 24 2 3 10 13 33 -24 32
6 Wigan 32 7 3 5 18 14 1 4 12 10 33 -19 31
7 Birmingham 32 5 6 5 23 19 2 3 11 15 30 -11 30

——————————————————————————–

8 Bolton 32 5 5 7 20 18 1 3 11 10 30 -18 26
9 Fulham 32 4 5 7 19 26 0 7 9 10 27 -24 24
10 Derby 32 1 5 10 10 27 0 3 13 6 40 -51 11

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So what has Arabia got to do with Sunderland’s heartstopping second win on the trot? It’s just one of the places you could get to see the game live, thanks to the reach of televised Premier League football. Read on for the view from Abu Dhabi of events at the SoL

So Craig Gordon and Andy Reid shaved a million or two off their transfer fees, an opposing team for once failed to bring their own referee (that was sheer incompetence, Mr Curbishley; the device has worked brilliantly for others this season) and we end up with three utterly magical points.

After our initial flurry, West Ham grew in confidence, dominated midfield and carved out good chances. To no great surprise, they scored.

But that was the spur for one of our most invigorating team performances in memory. It was a pulsating encounter, and we did more than enough in the latter stages of the first half and throughout the second to emerge, beyond serious question, deserving winners. Even if we did leave it to the 22nd minute of time added on.

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Soapbox: Sunderland oddities – and a competition

Soapbox
Pete Sixsmith extols the virtues of coach travel for awaydays and sets a few quiz questions. The first reader to answer them correctly wins a copy of Hazey’s book*

For many years I travelled to away games by car or train and used the coach only in exceptional circumstances. However, the rising cost of diesel, combined with the labyrinth of train fares and the fact that the network is usually being dug up at weekends, have gently directed me on to the coach.

My journeys are made with the Durham Branch of the Supporters’ Assosciation. Organisation is exceptional; we receive detailed time sheets from Stan Simpson which give the precise time that the coach will pick us up – Thinford 7.24am or Scotch Corner 9.04am.

Stan and Dave Cassie run a tight ship. No hot food allowed, plastic bags at every seat for rubbish and a town booked into for pre-match pints. Lancaster, Lichfield, Knutsworth and Usk are all places where landlords have benefited from an influx of Sunderland fans. Some make for the nearest Wetherspoons, others for a Good Beer Guide listed hostelry while a small minority look for second hand bookshops and a decent meal before the coach moves on.

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Who are you? We’re the Hammers

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West Ham come up as Sunderland’s opponents quite often in important games. After our great victory at Villa Park, we have set ourselves up for another vital encounter. If we don’t blow it with this one, our survival prospects should soar. Gordon Thrower*, a lifelong Hammers fan and co-editor of the Knees Up Mother Brown fans’ website, has other ideas. Two-one to them, he predicts. At least that’s not as bad for us as the time he saw us play when he was all of seven years old

“Can you write a few lines for us – something linking West Ham and Sunderland will do?”

I get a few e-mails like this every season. Sometimes they’re quite easy to write. If there’s a classic match from the past to recall you can write a few memories of that. Piece of cake.

However, I guess that if I mention October 1968 too many times you will rightly conclude that I am an old git who likes to live in the past. So I promise not to mention that day when, as a seven year-old, I saw West Ham United beat Sunderland 8-0.

So this leaves me scrabbling round trying to think of other classic encounters. I have very vague memories of a match played in my late teens at Roker Park where we let in six. I didn’t go to the match, I just remember seeing the goals on The Big Match on Sunday.

Actually, being of advanced years, I don’t even remember the goals. I do remember one bit of commentary though. After one particular bit of cultured genius from Brooking (in those days it was illegal to mention the word “Brooking” without either using the adjective “cultured” or mentioning the fact that he had A levels) the commentator (Hugh Johns maybe?) said something like: “I wonder what he’d be like in a really good side.”

Of course I already knew, since I’d seen him score for us about nine years earlier in a match in which we’d scored eight against someone (Hurst 6, Brooking and a rare goal from Bobby Moore in case you’re interested).

So in the interests of not depressing anyone I’ll steer clear of such catastrophes. Which leaves me the issue of how to fill up the rest of the page.

Your editor suggests to prospective contributors that they provide a brief blog as I believe you young people call these things (biog as it happens! – editor) dealing with how they first started supporting their team.

That’s easy. Anyone brought up in 1960s Plaistow (that’s pronounced Plar-stow by the way) was always going to support West Ham. Any kid sad enough to announce that they wanted to support someone else usually disappeared never to be seen again. “He’s gone to live on a farm with that puppy you used to have,” we’d be told. And they’d never be mentioned again. Wild playground rumours used to abound about such kids being sent to laboratories to have parts of their brains removed and, whilst nobody ever had any evidence that such experiments ever took place, when you think about it, it would go a long way to explaining Millwall’s support.

Which brings me finally to the one real connection I have with Sunderland. That is the fact that Roy Keane and I share a former club. Sort of. Whilst I hail from E13, as did my dad and paternal granddad, my mum’s origins are altogether more exotic. My mum hails from a town in Co Cork called Cobh (that’s pronounced “Cove” by the way).

Cobh has a number of claims to fame. It was the Titanic’s last port of call, having popped in to stock up on ice on its way to New York. It is the home town of the Olympic runner Sonia O’Sullivan. And it is home to the Ramblers. Cobh Ramblers are the local football team and are currently back in the top flight of the Eircom League for what may be one season only.

As everyone knows Roy Keane used to play for them. And so did I. Well sort of. I used to spend all my summers out in Cobh and one of my uncles used to play left wing. Thus it was that your correspondent turned out as a 15-year-old in a pre-season friendly that had been arranged when half the normal side were on holiday. I’d like to say that I played alongside your manager that day but to be honest it was probably a good 13 years later by the time he made his debut – and by that time I was out earning a living sufficient enough to enable me to take my holidays somewhere infinitely warmer and drier than Ireland’s Atlantic coast.

However, I’d like to think that, should our paths cross when I visit the North East on the March 29, Mr Keane and I would be able to share a knowing look about our times at St Coleman’s Park – after all, the Ramblers’ colours to this day are still Claret and Blue!

Ah….. some questions:

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Soapbox: what a relief

Soapbox

No one is getting carried away. We remain eminently relegatable. But those three points were magical, especially after Howard Webb had done his best to vindicate Roy Keane’s remarks about a refereeing conspiracy against us/him. Pete Sixsmith is certainly happier than he has been of late……

As we came away from Kenilworth Road on a chilly May afternoon with that 5-0 drubbing of Luton to send us home happy, who would have thought that it would have been a chilly March afternoon before we could once again celebrate three points on foreign soil?

The Emirates Experience came and went, Goodison was an embarrassment, Old Trafford and Roy’s Return a long and distant memory as we rolled into Birmingham for our 16th attempt at claiming all three points. And we did it. We took the game to a side who are (allegedly) challenging for Europe and we beat them. Not by a fluke, not in the last minute, not by an outrageous refereeing decision in our favour (fat chance!) but by being better organised, passing the ball accurately and having forwards (note use of plural) who can and will run at defenders.

I am a bit of an admirer of the Villa. Although their fans are typical lugubrious Midlanders who would be unhappy about winning the League because it was raining when they did it, they have a real sense of history. Aston Villa v Sunderland is one of the great fixtures, first played in 1890 and a regular occurrence ever since. They stopped us from winning the Double in 1913, beat us in a League Cup Semi-final during the Big Freeze of 1963 and kept us down in 1975 by winning the last match of the season 2-0.

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Breezing past Villa on a Harley

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As my good friend Robert Liddington, a sort of expat version of Pete Sixsmith, said before I climbed on to his new Harley-Davidson Road King Classic for a ride home from where we’d watched Sunderland win three priceless points at Villa Park:

“You know, there’s probably much more chance of riding a Harley in Abu Dhabi than there is of seeing Sunderland win.”

Robert appreciated our dogged performance, thought Andy Reid in particular had a good game and seemed pleased enough that we hung on, in the end rather comfortably, after Michael Chopra’s clinical finish to a glorious Kieran Richardson ball had put us ahead.

But he is not a Sunderland fan. There was a time when he supported Plymouth Argyle, and another when he had a boyhood flirtation with Wolves.

Out here in the Emirates, his own pleasures in life derive more from an implausible mixture of theatrical exploits and boys’ toys; he is chairman of the Abu Dhabi Dramatic Society and also drives a Hummer H2 and has a great projector that covers the wall of a spare room with images from a decent collection of music DVDs.

Picture: Stephen Lock (click on the image to get the beast in all its glory)Hummer

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