The Not So Magnificent Seven

Pete Sixsmith goes on the road in search of goals. Unfortunately he finds them in the wrong end.

Colin is wrong. I could think of seven words to describe this shambles but none of them would get past the service provider.

The best way to approach this is to look at the positives of the day. The Globe and The Caernarvon Castle still sell excellent Cains beer, Merseyside taxi drivers still dispense wit and wisdom in equal parts, Goodison Park is still a proper football stadium and Southport is still a most welcoming bolt hole after witnessing a debacle like this.

Had I been a neutral, it would have been a pleasure to watch Everton go about their perfectly legitimate business of taking apart a team so wretched that the Blues fans sat around me were open-mouthed and slack-jawed in disbelief, as they turned it on and we failed to turn up. One guy said: “They’re worse than Tranmere Rovers,” to which his mate replied “Reserves”. An insult to the Prenton Park second team.

So, can we take any positives from this? There is one – it can’t get any worse, because believe me, this was bad. We were comprehensively taken apart by a good Premier League side who had done their homework and who realised that our back four has no pace, that our midfield can’t tackle and then use the ball properly and that we only play with one forward.

If you saw Match of the Day, you are aware of the basic errors emanating from these rather crucial areas. What an awful week for McShane – gives a penalty away in the last minute for Eire and plays like Brian Heslop (ask yer dad) on the Saturday.

Ian Harte must be looking for EasyJet tickets back to Spain where he can be fairly confident that Mikel Arteta (best player I’ve seen this season) won’t give him the runaround. Harte switched to right back for the second half and it took Arteta all of 20 seconds to move across and torment him for another 45 minutes.

The combination of Etuhu and Yorke bore about as much resemblance to a Premier League midfield as The Chuckle Brothers do to Grand Opera. One can tackle and then give it away while the other is too slow to pick up – look at goals 2 and 3 if you dare – and passes the ball into where Chopra might be. Kavanagh in on Saturday I hope.

Chopra missed a sitter that beggared belief and Connolly’s experience at Championship level is needed against the Rams. If we lose to them………

It was interesting watching from the main stand. Due to a bit of a cock up on the ticketing front, my sister-in-law got them from Everton. They are a grand club and the guys behind knew their football and knew their club history. As we left after the sixth goal they said “Hope to see you next season” but there was little conviction in their words and not much optimism from us.

Finally, we loved Tommy Testicle who came onto the pitch at half time to warn us men against testicular cancer. I can see a few of our side losing theirs if we repeat this horror show.

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