Wrinkly Pete’s Crystal Ball: ‘don’t panic, it’s only Tottenham next’

   

                I’m sending out an SOS, ‘cos I’m in so much distress

When Peter Lynn, young-at-heart  but prematurely aged physically by watching Sunderland, began his exercise in calculating how the rest of the season would go, he concluded that 37 points would be enough for survival – and that we’d get them.

After enduring the atrocious displays at home to Stoke and then at West Brom, even forgetting the equally clueless cup exit at Burnley in between, you might expect him to chuck in the towel.

Not so.

Pete predicted no points against Stoke, knew we’d be booted out of the FA Cup at Turf Moor, and bargained on only a draw at the Hawthorns. So he has only one point to retrieve. Will it come? Where might it come from? Well, Pete reckons we’ll beat Spurs for a start, though he doesn’t say how beyond a call for 100 per cent support from the crowd and Honeyman-level commitment from the team ….

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Prediction: Jan 21 WBA (a) Draw. A tough demand at a ground where we don’t traditionally do well.

When I offered Monsieur Salut an update of this article after each game, I hadn’t thought I would have Coldplay’s Scientist lyrics buzzing through my head “nobody said it was easy/no one ever said it would be this hard”.

However, a deal is a deal, and in fact writing this is just like watching Sunderland. The match itself will have been covered elsewhere so I will just reference a couple of things I witnessed. Firstly, the team’s performance could be summed up in that shown by Djilobodji who began the game firing accurate 50 yard passes and ended it throwing punches. Secondly, Honeyman’s efforts showed what can be achieved and, judging by their praise of him, how generous our loving supporters are.

Regarding our support, a bit like “Billydodgy’s” but in reverse. They started singing that they wished Stephen Taylor was dead (can we move on please?) but quickly replaced the “we’re f—ing sh—“ with the more prosaic “You’re not that good, we lose every week”

So, we are only one point short on my prediction and some other under achievers have been good enough to keep us company over the weekend. However, we will need a whole team with Honeyman’s attitude and 100 per cent from our home crowd for 90+ minutes in order to get the win against Spurs.

Wrinkly Pete 23/1/17

Jan 31 Spurs (h) Win. Spurs will have played in the FA cup 4^th round a few days previously, we will have rested, having lost the upcoming Burnley replay.

Feb 4 Palace (a) Draw. Big Sam will still be struggling to improve things.

Feb 11 S’ton (h) Lose. In typical SAFC fashion, one we should win we don’t.

Feb 25 Everton (a) Draw. We bounce back. Well, a partial bounce.

Mar 4 Man C (h) Win. The crowd inspire an unlikely victory.

Mar 11 Boro (a) Lose. As with the Southampton game, we fail to maintain a revival.

Mar 18 Burnley (h) Win. Burnley are distracted by their forthcoming FA cup semi-final appearance.

Apr 1 Watford (a) Draw. A battling performance by Cattermole on his comeback from injury inspires the rest of the team to a 0-0 result.

Apr 4 Leics (a) Lose. Leicester get the three points they need to avoid the drop, avoiding the shame that they would have suffered as relegated champions.

Apr 8 Man U (h) Lose. The shrinking violet that is Mourinho finally gets his team playing like Chelski and Ibrahimavich is unplayable.

Apr 15 West Ham (h) Win. We get revenge with a 1-0 win in the 94^th minute.

Apr 22 Arsenal (a) Lose. Miffed at not being in the FA cup semi-final, The Gunners take it out on us, with the four foot tall Sanchez getting a hat trick of headed goals.

Apr 29 Bournemouth (h) Lose. We have the jitters, with safety in sight, Bournemouth are by now already safe.

May 6 Hull (a) Win. Hull become our Norwich of last season as we secure their relegation.

May 13 Swansea (h) Win. Swansea, who are already down, give in to allow us to escape again.

May 21 Chelsea (a) Lose. Who cares?

We survive with 37 points, the same total as last season.

As if I could care less, Palace are also relegated. This then is Big Sam’s first relegation and completes a miserable season for him personally.

Wrinkly Pete.