Pete Sixsmith was as stern with Sunderland after the 3-0 drubbing at the hands and feet of Manchester United as the fiercest of his masters at King James I grammar. But does he see light at the end of this bleakest of tunnels? He does, but then again does he? …
Here, I put forward five ways in which we can bring off Great Escape V. Only one of them is impossible. Which one do you think it is?
1 Ask all the players of all the teams we still have to play to a huge party. When they are distracted, send in a ship load of pirates who will capture them and take them to an unknown desert island thereby forcing West Ham, Bournemouth, Middlesbrough etc. to field teams of 18-year-olds.
2 Ellis Short could follow The Donald and go down the road of saying something outrageous so often and with such conviction that all eventually believe it and it becomes a fact. All our Minnesotan owner has to do is to say, “We are not bottom of the league and we will not be relegated” whenever he is interviewed and bingo, we won’t be.
3 For the remaining seven games make sure that the referee is treated with the utmost respect throughout the game. This includes bowing whenever he makes a decision, offering him a Werthers Original when he makes a mistake (big packet needed for Craig Pawson) and refusing to accept free kicks for fouls by the opposition. This will disorientate him so much that he will, out of the goodness of his heart, refuse to allow any goals by the opposition and will award us more penalties than the number of times Chris Waddle says “pelanties” during the course of a season.
4 As the teams shake hands in that wonderful moment before each game, our players could rub their opponent’s skin with a nerve powder that makes them as lethargic as Jack Rodwell. Then, as they yawn and stretch, we could run down to the other end and score – as long as we don’t give the ball to Fabio Borini or Adnan Janusaz.
5 We could coach the players in how to mark tightly and not allow 35-year-old Swedes to turn at will, pick up at corners and not allow Belgian centre forwards to head in at the far post in the 94th minute and pass the ball accurately so that the opposition have to work to get the ball back.
So, my friends: which one do you think is the most unlikely to happen? Answers on a postcard please to David Moyes, The Championship, County Oblivion.
And tomorrow: Five Ways That Rafa Benitez Can Blow Promotion.