Soapbox: come on England – I’m the man for the FA


Seen enough manifestos to last a liftetime, or at least until Cameron is forced to call another election? Well, here’s another all the same. “Gizza job, I can do that,” says Pete Sixsmith, putting on Yosser Hughes’s best suit to be interviewed for the vacancies left by Lord Triesman’s tumble from grace …

Once again, the Football Association is plunged into turmoil as fearless hacks from the Mail On Sunday uncover Chairman Triesman as a xenophobic ranter, accusing Russia and Spain/Portugal as being in cahoots over the 2018 World Cup bid.

Showing admirable patriotism in uncovering the private thoughts of this traitorous dog, the MoS risked the opprobrium of the nation by handing a huge advantage to our rivals in the bidding process. But they just knew that it was right and that the contents of a private conversation between a man in his 60s and a
woman in her 30s was clearly in the national interest.

So, Triesman went – first of all as leader of the bid and then as chairman of the FA, an organisation that had already lost its chief executive. To (mis)quote Oscar Wilde (a great fan of Langley Park C.W. I believe; he wept when they lost their Northern League status): “To lose one bureaucrat is unfortunate, to lose two is downright bloody silly.”

Now the Football Association is looking for a new chairman. That shrinking violet from Brentwood, Lord Sir Alan Sugar of Amstrad has thrown his hat into the ring.

Indeed as Gordon Farqhuar, speaking on Radio 5, said, “He has not so much thrown it in, as propelled it with a high powered rocket and has had it unfurl flags and bunting as it landed.”

LSASOA claimed that as a businessman and someone “steeped in football culture”, he was the ideal person to drag the FA screaming and kicking into the 21st Century, its executives all the better equipped for being able to contact one other on Amstrad Fax/PC/Internet machines. Add to that his experience of sacking hapless chinless wonders and obnoxious school children, he believes he is perfect for the job.

Well, there’s something else who is even more perfect for the job.

I have watched football for many years, have served on the management committee of the Northern Echo Youth League, have run Shildon Sunderland Supporters’ FC in exemplary fashion and have spent my working life bullying people much younger than myself. Why not start a bandwagon rolling for “Big Fat Pete For The FA”?

And here is my manifesto for the reform of football:

* The Premier League.; all clubs must have British owners, apart from one. This exception must play in red and white striped shirts and they are allowed to have an Irish American owner who comes from Independence, Missouri, has the initials ES and knows an Irish Wise Man called Niall Quinn.

* Any club based on Tyneside, playing in Black and White stripes and owned by a corpulent sports shop “tycoon”, will be immediately demoted to the Tyneside Business Houses League and will be denied promotion at every opportunity.

* The England national side will be selected by the occupants of Seats 404 and 405 , Row 30, East Stand Stadium of Light. English citizenship will be immediately bestowed on Craig Gordon, John Mensah and Steed Malbranque.

* The FA Council will be replaced by the regular occupants back four seats of the SAFC Supporters’ Association Durham Branch away bus. All decisions will be made over a game of cards and pints of Marston’s Pedigree in The Queen’s Head at Lichfield.

* Grass Roots football will be renamed “Proper Football”. The Premier League will be renamed “Greedy Football”.

* Wembley Stadium will be moved from its present inaccessible site to a field outside of West Cornforth – equally inaccessible, but with the advantage of being in the North East.

* Refereeing appointments will be taken out of the hands of the Referees’ Committee and Sir Alex Ferguson, Arsene Wenger and Rafa Benitez will be given the responsibility of making the appointments for the entire pyramid system, including their own games, working on the principal that they might eventually get one that they like.

* Any stadium which allows drums to be beaten, bells to be rung and clappy fans to be given out, will be closed down forthwith.

* Any club that allows a fading Radio 1 DJ anyway near a public address microphone will be dispatched to either the Surrey Senior League or the Teesside League, or both.

* Er, that’s it…………

What do you think? Would you back me? If you do, let’s set up a Facebook page. After all, I can’t do any worse than those who have been running the national game for the last few years, can I?

3 thoughts on “Soapbox: come on England – I’m the man for the FA”

  1. If you need a reference……I’m your man. I seem to remember turning out for Shildon Sunderland Supporters FC once. Does this therefore make me a family member and disqualify me? I promise not to mention running an illegal drinking den during the VIth Form although it did show that you are capable of organising a piss-up in a…. (can’t think of a school-based word rhyming with brewery!)
    Gary Lineker has gone up in my estimation for leaving the Mail on Sunday as a columnist over there entrapment. God knows what could happen to me if any of my private conversations with friends was ever reported. What an awful, awful paper. What an awful awful woman. What a silly silly man. Dontcha just love the media.

  2. I really can’t understand why the national stadium was ever built outside Doggy in the first place.

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