By God, the butler’s scarpered. Fond farewell, Newcastle’s Monsieur Par Dieu

Pete Sixsmith was attached to Pardew his butler, and the butler seemed contended enough with life in Shildon’s posh bit, Busty Bank. But Palace gold talks loudly and the butler – he may seem ungoldly but his name derives from the French Par Dieu (by God) – is off back down south, gratefully detaching himself from the ruffians and vagabonds of the North East. Let Sixer sound the bugle ….

Some disconcerting news
from Sixsmith Towers this morning as I awoke to find…… no Pardew.

The bally butler has whizzed off to Surrey to take up a post at The Crystal Palace, working for a millionaire who is trying to flog his pile off to some American type who is taken by England and all things English.

My morning tea was brought in by Carver, a terribly rough type from the North East who looks like a cross between that Brian London – you know, the boxer chappie – and Scrapper from Bunkerton Castle. He spilled half the old Earl Grey before slamming it on the bedside table and saying something like “I’ll look after the hoose until yaz can find someone else to buttle for you”. My head is spinning already.

I suppose the news will be welcomed down in the village, where the locals throw mud, rotten vegetables and insults at Pardew as he looks for bargains in the village shops. A couple of times they have turned up outside the house with pitchforks and burning torches after he has done something particularly offensive, but I have taken no notice of them. I mean, would you? Next thing they’ll be begging me for more bedding as they seem to have scrawled “Boycoutt the Big House” all over theirs.

Admittedly, he has made some mistakes over the years. That one where he had an altercation with an Irish servant when we visited friends in Humberside did not go down well. Had the red haired Celt responded as I would have expected him to, we would have spent a lengthy period in Casualty.

And then there was that time he was so damned rude to a visiting South American who had arrived to give him a few lessons in how to run a household. Calling him what he did and within earshot of the reptiles from the Parish Newsletter was just not good form. I almost let him go as a result of that, but he was keen to stay.

In fact, I got to feeling that, like the poor, he would always be with us. Nothing wrong with the poor – without them our shirt sponsors would surely collapse – but Pardew didn’t really get on with them and found communication difficult. Maybe it was that rather dreary Croydon whine that alienated them.

For many of them, the end came when he led the village football team to yet another defeat against the village from just down the road, a rather modest place without the ego that our people have about their abode.

The last four times he played them they have lost, once so badly that football was forgotten and the locals took up horse punching instead. I still have a hunter that has a nose as flat as Steve Bruce’s and I hold Pardew responsible for this.

So off he goes, back to where he came from. The villagers will be very keen to see who replaces him as the public face of Sixsmith Towers. The aforementioned Bruce is a possibility but he does tend to go on a bit about losing a previous job because the locals never took to him, rather than his habit of spilling the kedgeree at breakfast.

I may promote internally in order to save some money. I’m afraid that Carver would be a little too much, but Beardsley, one of his minions, may get the job in the short term – although I wouldn’t want to bump into a cove like him if the lights were off. It would give me the collywobbles.

I may even look abroad. There are plenty of Romanians and Bulgarians looking for work in this country and I am sure that they would not take any nonsense from the locals.

In the meantime, it’s goodbye to Pardew, my trusty and faithful servant. You were happy to take all the brickbats that could have been aimed at me and you stood in front of the gates manfully while I lounged around in Barbados.

Greater love hath no man than that he would lay down his last shreds of dignity and integrity for his employer.


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16 thoughts on “By God, the butler’s scarpered. Fond farewell, Newcastle’s Monsieur Par Dieu”

  1. Bruce gloated about it being a good day to be a black n white when Hull beat us. He was silent when Leicester subsequently won. Odd that

    Now he has ruled himself out of the Nufc job

    Two things…first surely he should stick to keeping Hull up rather than stoking hostilities in the North East. Second, I can confirm that I’m not putting my hat into the Nufc ring …… despite having no idea about football. I expect Jeff Stelling to report on my withdrawal from being considered

    • The man’s hubris is breath taking. He departed the SOL with Sunderland on the brink of relegation, had one decent season at Hull, spent a fortune, and now that they are in deep trouble, he ” rules himself out ” of the Newcastle job.

      In reality, the only people who remotely consider him a contender are his moronic friends on ” Talk Sport “, most of whom are as supremely useless at their jobs as Bruce himself.

  2. And don’t forget that cad Colback, who turned on his loyal master for 30 pieces of silver, with his new silver haired master gloating at his averice and betrayal at every opportunity. Pardew entertained us for many years, seeing the seething North Tyneside hoards venting their spleen and hurting their team and players was top class amusement

  3. In response to John. There can only be one reason why Chris Hughton was sacked.

    That was because he’s a decent man with integrity and dignity.

    Clearly these values had no worth at that club, and there was therefore a pressing need to bring in someone with the appropriate characteristics,of petulance, boorishness. smugness, and a bloody great gambling deb. (Whoops, did I say “bloody great gambling debt?”

    I wonder it the person who consistently gives me a thumbs down on everything I post will continue to do so here. If you don’t like what I say or don’t agree then you can comment you know.

    • Chris Hughton, in my opinion, epitomises everything I look for in a football manager, or in any human being. Honest, intelligent, modest, and, as you say, all with dignity and integrity.

      I greatly admired him as a player, and he has taken those same standards into management.

      I was delighted to hear that he has been appointed at Brighton. Bet it won’t be long before they are knocking on the promotion door?

  4. Was suprised to read that for the calendar year form table the skunks were even worse than us , we 13 th ,they 14 th . Add to that our cup final appearance and constant walloping of them every time we play them and you begin to understand why the lercals are getting restless . It’s simply not good enough for the most loyal fans of the worlds biggest clerb . Someone must pay and that someone had to be Pardew , they drove him out, but not in the way they expected and I have a sneaking admiration for the way he’s just said FU I’m going on my own terms and your now at the mercy of an agrieved Ashley . Their next victim ? I’ve heard David O’Leary !

  5. Any chance you could persuade your noble friend Lord Salut to purloin a piece of your antique tea service (suitably engraved) to whoever comes up with the correct name of your next manservant?

  6. When Chris Hughton was sacked NUFC were 11th or 12th in the Premiership. They had recently beaten us 5-1.

    He was sacked to make room for someone who could take the club forward

    NUFC are now 10th or 11th in the Premiership and have won nothing since Hughton left. We have beaten them four times on the trot, thrice at the 0-3 arena.

    I sincerely wish Chris Hughton well, despite the 5-1.

  7. So no sign of the trusty manservant Kinnear, who hitherto has responded with loyalty and haste upon being beckoned north.

    I rather think that the hobbit like Beardsley ought to stick with feeding the horses and having them ready for the next time they are called to battle when those peasants start revolting and attacking the local livestock once more. It;s going to happen soon enough, and I fear the local Peelers will be unable to prevent such brutish antics.

    • I believe that Kinnear the gardener is on extended gardening leave, owing to the fact that for a while all he did was to sit on the compost heap watching established plants go to seed whilst seemingly unable to find anything new to brighten up the herbaceous borders.

  8. It reminds me of John Major who left the circus to join a firm of accountants….odd decision. Still he’ll be earning twice as much as he seeks to gain promotion from the Championship. Apparently the Nufc Chairman’s charm and charisma are limited when compared to doubling one’s salary. Expect Asamoah Gyan to join Palace…..for football reasons of course

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