Sixer’s New Year resolutions: no laughing at Jozy, mocking Middlesbrough, expecting trophies

Pete Sixsmith: 'what will 2015 bring?'
Pete Sixsmith: ‘what will 2015 bring?’

The ink is barely dry on Pete Sixsmith‘s heartfelt adieu to Alan Pardew – – and now he comes along with some New Year’s resolutions. Almost simultaneously, Rob Hutchison – master of the one-word player ratings – offered with his succinct verdict on Sunderland’s 2014″ ‘Eventful,’ adding a few more words: ‘Can’t really remember a year like 2014 following the lads.’But now for Sixer’s will and won’t do pledges

Many y(t)ears ago,
when I was nobbut a lad, I sat in front of the 12” Ferguson, eagerly awaiting the arrival of a comic duo called Mick and Montmorency.

Played by Charlie Drake and his pal Jack Edwardes (sic), they were a cut-price Laurel and Hardy who usually ended up doing things wrong. Edwardes would chase Drake, catch him and attempt to wallop him with whatever was handy – a rolling pin, a frying pan, a five-bar gate – prompting Montmorency to come out with the still remembered line, delivered in Drake’s squeaky voice, “Aha, remember your New Year’s resomolution; Mick not to touch Mont.” It worked and the five bar gate was put down.

As a six-year-old, I wasn’t sure what a resomolution was but I did see that the sheer mention of it got you off the hook. So, I started to make them; some I have stuck to while others barely lasted until January 2. Here are some for 2015.

1 I will stop building up my hopes that we may actually win something that is not the Championship. Too many times I have said that this is our year for winning the FA Cup or breaking through into that top group in the Premier League. Now I will settle for a 12th place finish and a nice day out in Chesterfield in the Cup.

2 I will no longer sit in my seat in the East Stand, shaking my head and saying aloud “What did I do in a past life to deserve this? Did I eat a baby in the Crusades? Did I extract a potato from the flames surrounding a burning martyr? Did I beat Victorian schoolchildren until they were black and blue for supporting Royal Engineers?” Whatever it was I apologise and please don’t let me sit through a repeat of Swansea City at home.”

3 I promise not
to laugh whenever the head coach sends on Jozy Altidore. This year my views on the big American have gone from feeling that all he needs is a lucky break to feeling that all he needs is a one way ticket to palookaville – and the quicker the better. Should he appear in front of me again, I shall give him my whole hearted support until he shows his total lack of control; that’s 30 seconds in then.

4 I shall no longer
complain about the cost of watching Premier League football. Of course it is worth every penny of the £44 that Liverpool charge to sit in a seat that either has a restricted view or results in you getting soaked. I realise that clubs like the Reds and Manchester City and Chelsea are owned by a collective of workers and need to raise funds to buy such wonderful players as Mario Balotelli, Alvardo Negredo and Demba Ba so that the working classes who roll up every other Saturday at 3pm – if there’s a match on then – can marvel at them.

5 I resolve not to poke fun at our friends on Tyneside, particularly those thoughtful and intelligent ones who loathe Mike Ashley, Alan Pardew and the whole rotten lot behind the scenes but who do not write on bed sheets, set up Facebook pages or hold up placards.

6 I will no longer throw things and swear loudly at the TV when the mealy-mouthed Mourinho appears and belittles the opponents who have beaten his “little horse” of a team. Instead, I will sit back and appreciate the supreme irony of his statement and fully understand that a Mourinho criticism is really praise.

7 I resolve to lift my ban on watching any game involving the national team and purge myself of the bitterness that I feel whenever I think of Jimmy Montgomery not going to Mexico in 1970 and Kevin Phillips not getting as many caps as Emile Heskey or that Jack Colback got an England call up and Lee Cattermole hasn’t – ok, drop the last bit.

8 I shall no longer regard Middlesbrough as the poor relations of North East football after their full house on Boxing Day and the impressive 7,000 fans they took to Blackburn on Sunday. I shall, of course, forget about the 13 and 14,000s they have had for the majority of their home games.

9 I resolve to keep an open mind on Andre Marriner and refuse to believe that his mother was once frightened by a Sunderland supporter up a dark alley, therefore leading to Little Andre’s seemingly pathological dislike for Sunderland. I shall put it down to the fact that he is just plain incompetent – the new Andy D’Urso.

10 I shall stop making resomolutions and clogging the site up with rubbish like this.
A Happy New Year to all our readers – I mean that most sincerely, folks.


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4 thoughts on “Sixer’s New Year resolutions: no laughing at Jozy, mocking Middlesbrough, expecting trophies”

  1. Most ” joke” figures have something that endears you to them . A loveability that lets you put up with your misgivings while enjoying all the more their moments of Success . I’m sure Jozy’s a very nice man but he’s appearances in a Red n White shirt are now beyond a joke and I’ll hazard a guess that he’ll never reach the heights of even Nyron .More likely he’s on par with Milton Nunez and we have to let him go .

  2. Yes but Jozy has never had class. In a Sunderland shirt, at least. He couldna been a contender. He couldna been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what he is, let’s face it.

    With apologies for the adaptation of Marlon Brando’s, or Terry’s words.

    I think Palookaville is on the outskirts of Middlesbrough.

    Please do keep clogging up the site with stuff like this.

  3. To not laugh at Jozy any more.

    Mmmmn…………let’s hope he is not around for much longer provoking hilarity.

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