As Moyes goes shopping, Salut! Sunderland stokes the rumour mill

Malcolm Dawson writes….aficionados of Vic Reeves Big Night Out in the early 90s will doubtless recall the Living Carpets. Basically this was just Vic and Bob with carpet sample masks talking rubbish. carpets

A typical conversation might go like this:

Carpet 1: You know if you see a ginger cat with a cabbage sellotaped to its back and you turn round three times while singing Bananarama’s Cool, Cool Summer it will permanently rid you of troublesome warts forever.

Carpet 2: I’ve heard that rumour.

Carpet 1: I know. I started it.

Carpet 2: You lying get!

Where is this leading I hear you cry. Well bear with….

Salut! Sunderland relies on a team of regular contributors for its content. On the whole these are original pieces, supplied by genuine Sunderland fans from places as diverse as the South of France, Canada, the USA and Shildon. Not forgetting Spain, Merseyside and Wearside of course.

Now and again M Salut is happy to grant webspace to outsiders if he feels it relevant, especially if it contributes to the upkeep of the site, but while attracting visitors is obviously something we strive for, there is no real pressure to provide fresh copy every few hours. M Salut earns his living from other journalistic sources and Pete Sixsmith and I wallow in the luxury that years of contributions into the Teachers’ Pension Scheme and the top ups that the odd paper round brings. John Mac and Jake too do not look to this site as a means of funding a life of debauchery.

Click me for a better view of the ingredients: geographical references to Jake, M Salut & Sixer, Malcolm Dawson and John McCormick
Click me for a better view of the ingredients: geographical references to Jake, M Salut & Sixer, Malcolm Dawson and John McCormick
So not for us the rehashing of other people’s writing nor the repeated presentation of the same stuff under different headlines with the sole purpose of bringing in extra hits and generating advertising revenue. “Fat chance of that!” I hear M Salut mutter.

We write what we want, when we want. Usually that’s when there is something happening at the club and rather than just report on things you have probably read elsewhere, we like to look at them from our own perspective. To me the things I say and the comments that I read are a bit like the conversations I might have with fellow supporters in the local, except our community of fans is based all around the globe. Above all we seek to entertain. But sometimes nothing seems to be happening.

When I worked in primary schools I would occasionally set my pupils little research tasks but would always stress that wherever possible they should check their facts and above all not to rely solely on the Internet. “Just because it’s on the web doesn’t make it true – anyone can write anything and put it up there,” was my mantra. But this close season when transfer business has so far been non existent I have been trawling the inter-web trying to glean any morsels of gossip hinting at who may be coming into the club. And there’s the rub. Anyone can put up anything these days, when it will immediately be picked up by others as gospel and repeated until it must be true.

So I have decided that to liven up this dead period I will set cogs in motion and wait for the Daily Mail, The Northern Echo, Melody Maker and Bunty for Girls to send these snippets around the globe.

No-one tell Lionel that Fray Bentos is in Uruguay!
No-one tell Lionel that Fray Bentos is in Uruguay!
Five times world player of the year Lionel Messi was spotted in the Ryhope branch of Morrisons earlier today, buying three slices of corned beef and some haslet. Having already shown his love of Sunderland by copying Fabio Borini’s hairdo, he is expected at the Academy of Light tomorrow to put his signature to a five year deal.

David Moyes has tempted Portuguese cry baby Cristiano Ronaldo to move to Wearside by telling him that once the move is finalised he can live in Hylton Castle. “I can’t wait to get behind the drawbridge and raise the portcullis” he said. “I just hope the Moysiah doesn’t adopt similar tactics on the pitch and stifle my attacking flair.”

Shack's back
Shack’s back
The spirit of Shack lives on. Illusionist and part time spiritualist Derren Brown has been spotted on the green at Plains Farm, burning animal bones and dancing around a pair of steel toe capped 1950s football boots, whilst shaking a pair of maracas and chanting “I’m not biased against Newcastle. I don’t care who beats them.” It is thought that when they are handed over to one of the academy lads, they will inherit the twinkle toes of soccer’s Clown Prince allowing club owner Ellis Short to save a fortune on the wages that Marouane Fellaini would require.

Finally, a system of mist nets, similar to those used by bird ringers, has been invisibly installed into the crossbars at the Stadium of Light. Undetectable by referees and anyone else with suspect eyesight, the nets will drop into place when the home side are defending, therefore ensuring that no goals will ever be conceded by the Black Cats. It is hoped the system will be effective, though experiments conducted a couple of seasons back failed to produce conclusive results when Jozy Altidore was used as the guinea pig in secret trials.

Ha’way Sunderland – get some players in sharpish, then maybe I can regain my sanity.

10 thoughts on “As Moyes goes shopping, <strong>Salut! Sunderland</strong> stokes the rumour mill”

  1. Let’s be fair here, the man wearing the breathing apparatus and with the sickly yellow skin has probably more to look forward to than we do at present. That doesn’t mean I like you either Smogperson.

  2. Aye all very funny but you should be signing some body or other or this time next month you wont be laughing

      • Maybe and maybe not but at least we’ve been moving forward and building the squad and aye I know its not your fault whats happened at Sunderland and you deserve better and youre very disappointed and all that. But maybe you will beat us, I dont talk big like you lot

  3. That’s rubbish Malcolm. There is no Morrisons in Ryhope. It must have been Doxford Park. The superstars are always in there. I’ve seen Benno and Martin Gray are regulars at the florists in there.

  4. Cannily and similarly enough Malcolm, I happened across none other than Neymar in Floormart in Willington, (near Crook) I was stricken by an urge of curiosity, so I shuffled towards him with a shrewd sense of purpose. I said “what’s thoo dee-in eeya” He said (in a Latino accent) “I’m buying some underlay for me Auntie Margarets new carpet”. He was with another guy who looked like Frank Sinatra who I gathered was his agent. I said to him “Is that true. I’m no clown you know – usually new carpet comes with the underlay”. I must have appeared incredulous, coz the Sinatra dude pulled me to one side and said with a surreptitious slant “can you keep something under your hat son” – I said “Aye – gan on” He said “he’s off to the academy tomorrow to sign with his bestie. They’re both jumping ship from Barca in search of better prospects of winning silverware”. It all made sense to me, so I sloped off to Morrisons to purchase the ingredients to make me-self a haslet biryani.

    • This is sh*te! And I know it’s sh*te cos I seen Neymar in Marley Potts post office yesterday and he telt me the underlay was for his Auntie Elsie.

    • Funnily enough I heard he was in the White Horse last night playing darts and drinking draught Double Maxim. Exciting times Martin.

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