As Moyes goes shopping, Salut! Sunderland stokes the rumour mill

Malcolm Dawson writes….aficionados of Vic Reeves Big Night Out in the early 90s will doubtless recall the Living Carpets. Basically this was just Vic and Bob with carpet sample masks talking rubbish. carpets

A typical conversation might go like this:

Carpet 1: You know if you see a ginger cat with a cabbage sellotaped to its back and you turn round three times while singing Bananarama’s Cool, Cool Summer it will permanently rid you of troublesome warts forever.

Carpet 2: I’ve heard that rumour.

Carpet 1: I know. I started it.

Carpet 2: You lying get!

Where is this leading I hear you cry. Well bear with….

Salut! Sunderland relies on a team of regular contributors for its content. On the whole these are original pieces, supplied by genuine Sunderland fans from places as diverse as the South of France, Canada, the USA and Shildon. Not forgetting Spain, Merseyside and Wearside of course.

Now and again M Salut is happy to grant webspace to outsiders if he feels it relevant, especially if it contributes to the upkeep of the site, but while attracting visitors is obviously something we strive for, there is no real pressure to provide fresh copy every few hours. M Salut earns his living from other journalistic sources and Pete Sixsmith and I wallow in the luxury that years of contributions into the Teachers’ Pension Scheme and the top ups that the odd paper round brings. John Mac and Jake too do not look to this site as a means of funding a life of debauchery.

Click me for a better view of the ingredients: geographical references to Jake, M Salut & Sixer, Malcolm Dawson and John McCormick
Click me for a better view of the ingredients: geographical references to Jake, M Salut & Sixer, Malcolm Dawson and John McCormick
So not for us the rehashing of other people’s writing nor the repeated presentation of the same stuff under different headlines with the sole purpose of bringing in extra hits and generating advertising revenue. “Fat chance of that!” I hear M Salut mutter.

We write what we want, when we want. Usually that’s when there is something happening at the club and rather than just report on things you have probably read elsewhere, we like to look at them from our own perspective. To me the things I say and the comments that I read are a bit like the conversations I might have with fellow supporters in the local, except our community of fans is based all around the globe. Above all we seek to entertain. But sometimes nothing seems to be happening.

When I worked in primary schools I would occasionally set my pupils little research tasks but would always stress that wherever possible they should check their facts and above all not to rely solely on the Internet. “Just because it’s on the web doesn’t make it true – anyone can write anything and put it up there,” was my mantra. But this close season when transfer business has so far been non existent I have been trawling the inter-web trying to glean any morsels of gossip hinting at who may be coming into the club. And there’s the rub. Anyone can put up anything these days, when it will immediately be picked up by others as gospel and repeated until it must be true.

So I have decided that to liven up this dead period I will set cogs in motion and wait for the Daily Mail, The Northern Echo, Melody Maker and Bunty for Girls to send these snippets around the globe.

No-one tell Lionel that Fray Bentos is in Uruguay!
No-one tell Lionel that Fray Bentos is in Uruguay!
Five times world player of the year Lionel Messi was spotted in the Ryhope branch of Morrisons earlier today, buying three slices of corned beef and some haslet. Having already shown his love of Sunderland by copying Fabio Borini’s hairdo, he is expected at the Academy of Light tomorrow to put his signature to a five year deal.

David Moyes has tempted Portuguese cry baby Cristiano Ronaldo to move to Wearside by telling him that once the move is finalised he can live in Hylton Castle. “I can’t wait to get behind the drawbridge and raise the portcullis” he said. “I just hope the Moysiah doesn’t adopt similar tactics on the pitch and stifle my attacking flair.”

Shack's back
Shack’s back
The spirit of Shack lives on. Illusionist and part time spiritualist Derren Brown has been spotted on the green at Plains Farm, burning animal bones and dancing around a pair of steel toe capped 1950s football boots, whilst shaking a pair of maracas and chanting “I’m not biased against Newcastle. I don’t care who beats them.” It is thought that when they are handed over to one of the academy lads, they will inherit the twinkle toes of soccer’s Clown Prince allowing club owner Ellis Short to save a fortune on the wages that Marouane Fellaini would require.

Finally, a system of mist nets, similar to those used by bird ringers, has been invisibly installed into the crossbars at the Stadium of Light. Undetectable by referees and anyone else with suspect eyesight, the nets will drop into place when the home side are defending, therefore ensuring that no goals will ever be conceded by the Black Cats. It is hoped the system will be effective, though experiments conducted a couple of seasons back failed to produce conclusive results when Jozy Altidore was used as the guinea pig in secret trials.

Ha’way Sunderland – get some players in sharpish, then maybe I can regain my sanity.

Taylor made: Maradona sculptures and Messi frenzies

When the cry went out for help (during Monsieur Salut!’s post-op but continuing incapacity), Bill Taylor took himself off to Uruguay, Chile and Argentina. But he did leave behind smashing reminiscences of Roker Park – which you can see by clicking here – and now answers our plea for some sort of story to go with two of his holiday snaps …

I cannot tell a lie – well, I can but I won’t – this post is being cobbled together at the request of the Salut! Sunderland slavemaster to justify running two photos I sent him from a recent visit to Buenos Aires, one of which has absolutely nothing to do with football but which tickled his fancy. I like a challenge.

Read moreTaylor made: Maradona sculptures and Messi frenzies